Learning about domestic minor sex trafficking in my home quickly put me in an uncomfortable place.  I realized that while I was so vocally passionate for victims of sex trafficking, I had boxed those emotions for the victims that I witnessed in rural Kenya and wayward Korea–places that were so distant in mind, allowing my heart to quickly fall into compassion with “no-strings-attached.”  I could devote a couple weeks, or even months, to spend time in a foreign country and whole heartedly focus on this issue.  But when it comes to my home, where I delight in comfort, seek luxury, and chase fun, it’s hard to come face-to-face to the reality that this issue cannot be boxed up when I’m home, and re-opened when I’m away and “feeling compassionate.”

Whether I like it or not, I have been exposed to the happenings of this atrocious crime in my backyard–and it’s real and plain dirty.  I realized that cultivating a heart for victims of this crime can no longer be ‘a la carte.’  Rather, it begs for a lifestyle transformation.  Sex trafficking is all around us, if only we open our eyes.  It’s absolutely embedded in our pop culture, social media, and night life.  What’s disgusting is that people, including myself, have blindly approved of society’s tolerance and even praise for the ‘pimp life,’ (e.g., think songs like Jay Z’s Big Pimpin that outlines how to sell a girl for sex, nominated for a Grammy)–at what?  At the expense of the victim who is coerced into sex slavery.  

I came home that night in absolute dismay.  I was at a loss for words and felt deflated.  So I forced myself to sit down and process–to try to think things through to better understand why I felt so crummy.  Little did I know that God was driving me to a place of desperate stillness to listen to his whispers.  He reminded me of three stories from training and whispered the following:

1. Our Abba Father is a good Dad.  During the training, when asked how the survivor of sex trafficking deals with her emotional scars, she smiled and replied, “I have a really good relationship with God.  I don’t understand the things that happen, but at the end of the day I know He has my back.”  She proceeded to explain that after a year and 6 months of being enslaved, there came a moment of absolute desperation when she knew her life was about to end.  She could hear the gun being loaded.  Despite her callousness that resulted from cyclic abuse and a near desire to give up on life, she felt a sudden twinge to run.  So in that moment she ran–not knowing where or to whom, she just started running.  20 steps later, a man, later deemed as an angel, rescued her.  He fed her, put her in a hotel safely, and bought her a plane ticket back home to safely reunite with her family, a year and 6 months after being enslaved in the sex trade.  She thinks back at the moment and knows without a doubt that God exists, that without His power and grace, she would have died in that moment.  So she looks to Him for daily bread, for daily support, and daily love, reminded of His goodness and power that rescued her from emotional and physical death. That, she explained, is how she deals with her emotional scares, through her reconciliation with God’s love.

God’s whisper: sometimes God just wants us to start running towards new life, and He’ll meet us right away, 20 steps later, right when we need Him the most.  Never forget that He is a good Abba.

Which of you fathers, if your son asks for a fish will give him a snake instead?  Or if he asks for an egg, will give him a scorpion?  If you then, though you are evil know how to give good gifts to your children, how much more will your Father in heaven give the Holy Spirit to those who ask him!  - Luke 11:11-13

2. Never lose sight of my identity in Christ.  The first thing a pimp will say to a girl to determine if she can be easily manipulated is “you are so beautiful.”  Gauging her reaction to that simple complement will tell him everything he needs to know.  He’s able to tell if the girl has been loved and complemented growing up; he’s able to tell how secure the girl is in her life, her community, and her surroundings–all in a 5 second reaction to such a common phrase.

My takeaway: the truth is, we are all so intimately loved by the only one that counts, the King of all Kings.  But we forget so easily.  I imagine the same concept happens in the spiritual world.  The enemy will prowl and look for those who have lost sight of their identity as a beloved child.  They will entice and shower their victim with superficial words and a false sense of immediate gratification, only to manipulate and coerce the victim into a life of slavery.

So this was God’s whisper: I am loved and beautiful in eyes of the King.  Wrap my identity in His love, daily; and find confidence in His grace.

Do not merely listen to the word, and so deceive yourselves.  Do what it says.  Anyone who listens to the word but does not do what it says is like a man who looks at his face in a mirror and, after looking at himself, goes away and immediately forgets what he looks like.  - James 1:22-24

I pray that I will remember my image–that I was made in the image of the perfect God, and to find confidence in that Truth.  May this confidence, then, lead and empower me to follow and act according to the Word.

3. We are made for community.  The difference community can make is real–so real, that pimps will use a mechanism to prevent the formation of community among his girls.  Each pimp has several girls under his control.  He will pick one as his ‘bottom,’ meaning that she’s his favorite.  He gives her gifts, implants, and lets her drive a nice car.  The effect?  By nature, he instills a sense of jealousy and tension among the girls.  For what?  To prevent the girls from establishing community so that they will never reach a point of empowerment through each other.  Rather, through this easy trick of picking a “bottom,” he is able to maintain his power of manipulation.

God’s whisper: remember that I am made for community and that the enemy will do whatever he can to pull me away from community.  Never lose sight of its importance because community will empower me to fight sin and live strongly for Christ.

Knowing that the enemy will try to break down community, I pray that the Lord may grant me His eyes to see His image and His heart in my community, so that I may humbly enter into a love I know I don’t deserve, but by His grace am granted.

—

At the end of my reflection, God whispered these final words of assurance: I will finish what I have started in your life.  I will reveal what I know you can handle piece-by-piece at the right time.  Just come closer to me to hear my heartbeat and learn what makes my heart drum. 

I praise our Abba, for He is good.

It must have been His Spirit or an angel that led back to these old posts.  Or better yet, God must have known all along that a day like this was going to come–that one day I would look back and be encouraged.  And He is so good; He knows me so well, and His timing was so perfect.

He chose a time when I fell hard, lost intimacy, and struggled in desperation.  But it was by His grace that drove me to a point where I thirsted for His whispers–to be affirmed by His love and to be saved by His grace.

He whispered: you are beloved.  Remember that my love is absolutely sufficient.  I want you to completely wrap your identity around my love, and I will show you my desires.

So here’s my longing: I want to learn how to fall in love with myself solely based on the fact that I am loved by the only One that matters, my Abba Father.  I want to let go of my worldly desire to seek approval from people, and be completely satisfied in God’s love.  God will set me free.  He will show me wonders, and I will joyfully follow.

Looking back to these posts made me realize that God is always there looking out for me.  Sweeter yet, He wants to be an intimate part of my life.  So when I lose focus, He shakes me a little and wakes me up by His grace–reminding me of His everlasting, unfailing love through His precious whispers.

I’m grateful for suffering, heartbreak, and loss.  Because it’s at such points in my life when God blesses me with the sweetest revelations, and I am reminded once again how wonderful it is to be in His arms and completely fulfilled by His love.

In 8th grade, I dedicated my life to Jesus Christ by accepting Him as my Savior. My life did a complete 180. I was two-faced, unsure of my own identity, and the one thing I was sure of was that I was able to pull off two fronts: a rebel on the weekdays and a “Christian” on Sundays.

But it was that moment at a missions trip on a Navajo reservation in Arizona when my life reached its turning point. I found my identity in Christ. It was amazing. And ever since, I’ve been living and growing comfortably as a daughter of Christ.

Yet, after that point, never was I compelled to change. Yes- there would be times when a sermon, testimony or an encounter would make me rethink and readjust my life- but I never saw the need to change my life.

Until now.

This whole conference has been a condensed representation of my journey as a Christian. I listened to eight sermons over four days- and each sermon touched my life in a chronological manner. After I heard a sermon, I would be filled with God’s grace and simple amazement. But then it would be followed with questions- perhaps it was my subconscious trying to doubt, trying to find a loophole, thinking that this was too good to be true. But what’s amazing is that God answered. I would doubt and question- and in the next sermon, he would satisfy my subconscious. Until by the last sermon, Sunday evening at 6 pm, I was left with no more doubt and no more fear.

It just makes sense now. Whenever I identify myself as a Christian, I am willingly taking up the responsibility to represent God. When Moses became angry and called the Israelites ‘rebels,’ he, as a leader and a representative of God, portrayed God’s character wrongly. He showed his followers that God was an angry God- that God thought that they were rebels, when in reality He had loved them. Thus, Moses was unable to see the Promised Land.

I don’t know why it didn’t click before- but it finally did this week. Why would I not live a life to represent God’s image- his love, his grace, his forgiveness? As God has loved me, so shall I love others, in His name- he blesses me to be a blessing.

It’s no longer I want- but now it is I will. I will live to represent Him. What could even compare to sharing the love of Jesus Christ?

What’s different this time…how am I sure that I am new? It is that I no longer fear the world. My worries over what others might think of me, how they might judge me- has become irrelevant. Because the thing is- this isn’t about me. My life isn’t about me- It’s about Christ. I become full and fulfilled when I live for Him, and not for myself. I no longer stress about my future or whether I am capable. Because it is when I am weak, that I am strong. When things are seemingly impossible considering my “lack of,” –or my weakness, it is then when God receives all the glory when He makes impossible things possible in my life.

So I am free by God’s grace. I choose to live a life of the image of Christ. My heart has changed. How it sees people, school, the future, my relationships, my past- it’s become revolutionized for Christ- and I would want it no other way.

Praise God. Our savior, our healer, our Father, our Lord.

Imagine person X- he doesn’t have direction in his life, he’s lost, confused, doesn’t know what to do or where to go. He’s hopeless.

He then finds Jesus- and this is what happens:

“He guides me in paths of righteousness” Psalm 23:3

So now his life looks like this-  

J             X

Jesus is in front of X, directing him, guiding him, to righteousness; X, who once wandered confused and without direction or purpose, now has Jesus leading him. awesome. 

But then it goes on: “I will fear no evil, for you are with me; your rod and your staff, they comfort me.” Psalm 23:4

Now, Jesus is not only directing X, but His Rod and Staff- representing His word- is comforting X. Looking like this:

             R

J           X

             S

The X we knew- purposeless, confused, hopeless- not only has direction now, but is comforted whenever he needs help. He can depend on the Lord’s Rod and Staff- The Word -for comfort anytime. amazing.

But it doesn’t end there:

“Surely goodness and love will follow me.” Psalm 23:6

Looking like this:

             R

J           X            G

             S

God’s goodness and love- his Grace- is behind X. Whenever X falls or makes a mistake, God’s grace catches him and brings him right back up.

So now, X, who was once lost, hopeless and without direction, is now surrounded by God- by His direction, His comfort and His grace.

Astounding.

-Hillsong Church London-

Honestly, I’m not quite sure what I was thinking or what got to me that day when I decided to spend so much time in a country that had such a bad reputation in my memories. But now, 93 days later, I look back and I can say with upmost confidence that my peculiar determination that day was only through God’s grace and will.  He exposed me to things that I never would have imagined, let me feel emotions that I thought were impossible and gave me an appreciation for the family and culture that I for so long took for granted.

I saw and heard forms of injustices that I never knew before existed. Sex tourism in Korea is a growing industry, yet because of the cleverness of the managers of this industry-aka the ‘pimps’- who guise sex trafficking of women as prostitution, the victims are seen as offenders. How? Women are lured into prostitution and forced to receive pre-payments, which the finance companies who have partnered with the sex tourism industry deceive as debt. Now they have the upper hand. Regardless of the fact that prostitution is illegal in Korea, they are now able to justify their entitlement to the women through the victim’s ‘debt.’ In this way, even in the eyes of the police officer, the pimp becomes the victim- after all he’s the one who ‘lost’ his money- while the actual victim, the trafficked women, is seen as the offender. Clever.

Learning about the underground signs and words that imply prostitution and sex trafficking, my eyes opened to a whole new country. Korea, as I see it now, is not all about shopping and materialism, but it’s a country that’s hurting inside. A complex nation in which its rapid economic development has earned itself the title of a second world nation, but didn’t allow enough time for its core mentality to make the transition as well. So although it’s seen by the world as a second world nation, a third world mentality still looms at its core. As a result, we’re left with a complicated mess when it comes to the issue of sex trafficking. Korea not only sends women off to more developed countries, but now is able to receive them from under developed countries- all the while human trafficking is taking place inside the country as well.

Although in 2004, Korea passed a law illegalizing prostitution- placing prostitution on the same level as sex-trafficking, due to the frequent pretense of prostitution for the sex tourism industry, the streets are still filled with blatant prostitution rings. The worst part? The bribed or perhaps oblivious police officers who won’t do anything about it. I’ve witnessed police officers turning a blind eye towards obvious cases of sex trafficking, refusing to let go of their narrow mentality that prostitution is the women’s fault- even if women are turned into sex slaves through this industry that is apparently ‘her own fault.’

When I learned about this inside the office, this issue seemed so pertinent, so time-desperate- as if everyone had to stop what they’re doing and realize that a new form of slavery was growing right before our eyes. But it’s incredible, the moment I’m outside those walls, the world still goes on. People are so busy. Busy to do something, to make something out of their lives. So we run. We’re constantly running, sometimes not even knowing where we’re going. The sad part is, that while we’re running, we neglect to see who around us is hurting, who around us is dying. What is it about us that persuades us that whatever we’re running for is more important then the lives of our fellow human beings?

Pastor Gary, from Hillsong Church London posed this question: “What would happen if the world started to care?” Imagine what the future would hold. Imagine how many lives would be saved from hurt, pain and death. Imagine. The concept is so simple- to care- and the results would be so enormous. So why not start? Let’s start caring, yeah?

But to see God work in Panama amid the peace and calmness, despite the lack of constant hectic-ness of needing to go somewhere, showed me how heavily influenced I was by the world. My struggle of always needing to be doing something, not allowing myself to rest, reflect and enjoy God, was never in correlation with God’s will. I can feel God putting brakes on my life and redirecting me to Him- telling me to breath, have faith, let go and follow. He’s quieted me and allowed me to listen, to internalize and truly live by His grace alone. 

So my challenge from now on is simple: to jump off of society’s flow of success and to follow Him in peace as I listen quietly to His will.

HM. So after a brutal week- I’ve been reflecting on my ‘purpose’ here- wondering why I’m half killing myself for school. And in the midst of my stress and hectic-ness, a subtle yet definite swarm of bitterness and frustration began to slowly take root in my heart….But what’s amazing is that every time I reach a low, God always finds a way to bring me back up. It’s such a blessing because i know that wherever I turn, I can hear God’s voice, if I’m willing. His span is absolutely limitless. 

So here’s something from a sermon that really hit a chord this past week.

Never forget that the life I have is not my own- it belongs to God. 

Rather than asking God to ‘stamp’ my plan, I need to follow behind His. I realized that I’ve been torn on what it means to be ‘successful’- should it be defined on the worlds standards- or Gods? When I was given the opportunity to search deeper in my heart- to discover my raw intentions- I realized that I hadn’t let go of of the world’s standard of success yet. I guess I’ve been trying to ‘have the best of two worlds’ by reasoning that maybe first I’ll go into corporate law… do a couple pro bonos…and once I have a steady and stable income- then I’ll go into the non-profit sector. I didn’t really know this about myself- but I guess there is a subtle, yet definite root in my heart that desires to be comfortable, to be successful in the world’s eyes and to be recognized by society. That despite the humanitarian passion that I’ve been nurturing and sharing, I’m still holding onto the ‘take-life-as-it-comes- and-hope-it-takes-me-to-a-well-paying-job’ mentality. I tell myself- if an opportunity arises for me to go into the non-profit sector, then I’ll definitely take it- but if not, that’s fine too. But I recently realized that I need to take ownership of my passion, my vision- to actively pursue, seek and desire to fulfill the vision that God gave me. It’s a continual process of searching for what truly is at the center of my heart- a daily process of letting go… letting go of the firm grip that I have on my life and being free from society’s constraints. I no longer need to boxed in by society’s standard of success. Honestly, why does it even matter? The life that I have here is too short- and it’s not even mine! To think of it in this way relieves such a burden off of me. I’m not studying or working for myself- but for God. And the most comforting fact of this realization is that He will provide me with the means to fulfill His will. it’s not going to be necessarily easy all the time, but He will always have a road paved for me. And with that simple assurance in itself, I can now (and continually) let go…let go of “world’s success,” its judgement and its constraints – and start focusing on glorifying His kingdom, not through my own, but His power. 

HM. Now I can breath  

As I slowly realized the extent of the danger associated with this industry, I asked myself: what makes you think that you can do anything to help this fight? Why risk your life for something that you can’t even impact? My envisioned idealism and fantasy of stopping injustice seemingly, yet subtly faded away. 

So I prayed. Asking whether this realization was a sign to go another direction- if this wasn’t where God called me to be. It was then when my assurance and conviction to continue to pursue my goal to fight against human trafficking was further defined. The ‘vision’ that God had given- the glimpse of his pain, his heart for his children- that He has blessed me with, all came rushing back. But this time it was different from my “teddy bear vision.” It wasn’t filled with heroism nor idealism. Rather, it was a cautionary affirmation- that I will continue to pursue my fight for this cause, but it won’t be easy. The consequences are real and the dangers are ever more present. But with this realization, my desire and passion to help these victims intensified. Strengthened by this warning, this foreshadow that will require me to step beyond my comfort zone, I am now realistically and practically committed to this cause. I truly abide by the fact that God will empower me. That once he’s started his will in my life, he will provide for the means to fulfill His will. 

“May the God of peace, who through the blood of the eternal covenant brought back from the dead our Lord Jesus, that great Shepherd of the sheep, equip you with everything good for doing his will, and may he work in us what is pleasing to him, through Jesus Christ, to whom be glory for ever and ever. Amen” (Hebrews 13:20-21).

To me, most of these empowering pictures are from africa… simple. inspirational. natural. pure. hopeful. strong. loving. blessed.

it’s cool because where I went- there were only three colors: blue, green, brown- the sky, the grass, and the mud (for the roads). This simplicity really drew me closer to God. I felt physically and literally so much closer to Him because I had nothing in between me and the sky- no worries, no pressures, no materialism, nothing…

locals who lived near the property where we were building the orphanage. Feliz, the little girl in the blue jacket would always always always- without a doubt- put a smile on my face. Whenever we came to work- no matter how early it was- she would always be there- and she held my hand everywhere I went. She would occasionally  stare up at me and smile, then look back down reassured that I was still there holding her hand. It’s amazing how such a little girl, and a small gesture can impact a person in an unimaginable way. I look at Feliz and remember her simplicity. I admire her chid-like faith- and thought to myself, this is the type of faith that God wants- simply depending on our father for everything. 

happy. motivated. inspired. grateful.

SO. At Servants retreat this past November, I tried listening to God- I tried to clear my mind and thoughts- and directed them to Him- as best as I could [despite my complete A.D.D.-mind]. I was a little doubtful that God would use this opportunity to actually ‘talk’ to me- but nevertheless, I tried. And the vision that God gave me – and i can say this in complete faith and belief- was incredibly touching. It was so simple, but it touched all of my senses. It wasn’t one-dimensional- at that moment, I was lost in His will, His vision- His purpose that He has blessed me with. And I was so grateful that He spoke- and pushed me to listen to Him. 

He showed me a ripped-up teddy bear with cotton stuffing coming out everywhere- it was a miserable, helpless, yet innocent-looking teddy bear, simply sitting with its head tilted in a pure white background. It had the look of a naiive, yet confused child, simply wanting to be loved- not understanding in full her physical pain. And then God gave me green yarn to sew up the wounds and scars of the teddy bear. This simple image is all that I saw. But I felt something so much more greater. 

God gave me a glimpse of his heart for His children who fall victim of human trafficking everyday. The pain, the sorrow and the indescribable love He had for his daughters was SO incredible. I really wish there were better words to describe this glimpse of emotion that God had given me. I guess the best way I could describe it is this: Imagine being a mother/father with children- having your own sons and daughters. You play with them, you talk to them, you sometimes even look at them in adoration and appreciation. You value them with all your heart- maybe even more than you value your own life. And one day, due to the mere sake of coincidence- your children are taken away- trafficked into the sex tourism industry. And you know that your child will be taken advantage of physically, sexually and emotionally. And you can’t do anything about it…

Take that emotion- the frustration, anger, bitterness- feelings that words alone cannot and do not justify-  and times it by infinity. Because God’s love for his children are deeper and greater than the human minds can fathom- His heart hurts so much more when He sees His children- 800,000 children every year- being taken advantage of and abused by the sex tourism industry. 

I was blessed that night by being able to feel a glimpse of God’s heart for His children. Before, I was frustrated and impassioned by the fight against human trafficking, but I never considered the humanistic side of God. And when God gave me this vision, it was a moment where my calling was ‘confirmed.’ I knew that this was the fight that I was going to fight during my lifetime. 

I know- and trust that God will give me the tools to fulfill his vision- just as he had given me the yarn to sew up the teddy bear. And I’m excited beyond belief to be part of this fight, with God on my side.