Nearly three years later…
by hyejikim
After struggling for about 20 minutes trying to remember my username and password, I finally unlocked my cyber diary. A little bit (a lot of bit) of jet lag and sleep deprivation plus a weird twinge (maybe a conviction?) and a sparked memory led me back to this blog. I spent hours looking back at my thoughts from 2009, trying to re-piece all of the memories, convictions, revelations, pains, and joys that led me to write. It’s amazing how life happens: in the present, everything seems so heavy, so important, as if the world cannot continue until my emotions are dealt with, but looking back, I realize that during the whole journey, God had my back. Even more so, in my times of deepest struggle and hurt–even confusion and doubt–God literally carried me out.
It must have been His Spirit or an angel that led back to these old posts. Or better yet, God must have known all along that a day like this was going to come–that one day I would look back and be encouraged. And He is so good; He knows me so well, and His timing was so perfect.
He chose a time when I fell hard, lost intimacy, and struggled in desperation. But it was by His grace that drove me to a point where I thirsted for His whispers–to be affirmed by His love and to be saved by His grace.
He whispered: you are beloved. Remember that my love is absolutely sufficient. I want you to completely wrap your identity around my love, and I will show you my desires.
So here’s my longing: I want to learn how to fall in love with myself solely based on the fact that I am loved by the only One that matters, my Abba Father. I want to let go of my worldly desire to seek approval from people, and be completely satisfied in God’s love. God will set me free. He will show me wonders, and I will joyfully follow.
Looking back to these posts made me realize that God is always there looking out for me. Sweeter yet, He wants to be an intimate part of my life. So when I lose focus, He shakes me a little and wakes me up by His grace–reminding me of His everlasting, unfailing love through His precious whispers.
I’m grateful for suffering, heartbreak, and loss. Because it’s at such points in my life when God blesses me with the sweetest revelations, and I am reminded once again how wonderful it is to be in His arms and completely fulfilled by His love.
