Exposed, Deflated, then Lifted through His Whispers

Recently, I committed to volunteer at a direct services support center for victims of domestic minor sex trafficking.  This organization specifically works with the survivors of sex trafficking in the DC-MD-VA area–a place I’ve called home for the past five years.  A place where I’ve enjoyed fancy meals, guiltless shopping, and fun nightlife, and perhaps have fallen into intentional immobility and ignorance towards a crime that hits so close to my mind, yet lives so far away from my heart.

Learning about domestic minor sex trafficking in my home quickly put me in an uncomfortable place.  I realized that while I was so vocally passionate for victims of sex trafficking, I had boxed those emotions for the victims that I witnessed in rural Kenya and wayward Korea–places that were so distant in mind, allowing my heart to quickly fall into compassion with “no-strings-attached.”  I could devote a couple weeks, or even months, to spend time in a foreign country and whole heartedly focus on this issue.  But when it comes to my home, where I delight in comfort, seek luxury, and chase fun, it’s hard to come face-to-face to the reality that this issue cannot be boxed up when I’m home, and re-opened when I’m away and “feeling compassionate.”

Whether I like it or not, I have been exposed to the happenings of this atrocious crime in my backyard–and it’s real and plain dirty.  I realized that cultivating a heart for victims of this crime can no longer be ‘a la carte.’  Rather, it begs for a lifestyle transformation.  Sex trafficking is all around us, if only we open our eyes.  It’s absolutely embedded in our pop culture, social media, and night life.  What’s disgusting is that people, including myself, have blindly approved of society’s tolerance and even praise for the ‘pimp life,’ (e.g., think songs like Jay Z’s Big Pimpin that outlines how to sell a girl for sex, nominated for a Grammy)–at what?  At the expense of the victim who is coerced into sex slavery.  

I came home that night in absolute dismay.  I was at a loss for words and felt deflated.  So I forced myself to sit down and process–to try to think things through to better understand why I felt so crummy.  Little did I know that God was driving me to a place of desperate stillness to listen to his whispers.  He reminded me of three stories from training and whispered the following:

1. Our Abba Father is a good Dad.  During the training, when asked how the survivor of sex trafficking deals with her emotional scars, she smiled and replied, “I have a really good relationship with God.  I don’t understand the things that happen, but at the end of the day I know He has my back.”  She proceeded to explain that after a year and 6 months of being enslaved, there came a moment of absolute desperation when she knew her life was about to end.  She could hear the gun being loaded.  Despite her callousness that resulted from cyclic abuse and a near desire to give up on life, she felt a sudden twinge to run.  So in that moment she ran–not knowing where or to whom, she just started running.  20 steps later, a man, later deemed as an angel, rescued her.  He fed her, put her in a hotel safely, and bought her a plane ticket back home to safely reunite with her family, a year and 6 months after being enslaved in the sex trade.  She thinks back at the moment and knows without a doubt that God exists, that without His power and grace, she would have died in that moment.  So she looks to Him for daily bread, for daily support, and daily love, reminded of His goodness and power that rescued her from emotional and physical death. That, she explained, is how she deals with her emotional scares, through her reconciliation with God’s love.

God’s whisper: sometimes God just wants us to start running towards new life, and He’ll meet us right away, 20 steps later, right when we need Him the most.  Never forget that He is a good Abba.

Which of you fathers, if your son asks for a fish will give him a snake instead?  Or if he asks for an egg, will give him a scorpion?  If you then, though you are evil know how to give good gifts to your children, how much more will your Father in heaven give the Holy Spirit to those who ask him!  - Luke 11:11-13

2. Never lose sight of my identity in Christ.  The first thing a pimp will say to a girl to determine if she can be easily manipulated is “you are so beautiful.”  Gauging her reaction to that simple complement will tell him everything he needs to know.  He’s able to tell if the girl has been loved and complemented growing up; he’s able to tell how secure the girl is in her life, her community, and her surroundings–all in a 5 second reaction to such a common phrase.

My takeaway: the truth is, we are all so intimately loved by the only one that counts, the King of all Kings.  But we forget so easily.  I imagine the same concept happens in the spiritual world.  The enemy will prowl and look for those who have lost sight of their identity as a beloved child.  They will entice and shower their victim with superficial words and a false sense of immediate gratification, only to manipulate and coerce the victim into a life of slavery.

So this was God’s whisper: I am loved and beautiful in eyes of the King.  Wrap my identity in His love, daily; and find confidence in His grace.

Do not merely listen to the word, and so deceive yourselves.  Do what it says.  Anyone who listens to the word but does not do what it says is like a man who looks at his face in a mirror and, after looking at himself, goes away and immediately forgets what he looks like.  - James 1:22-24

I pray that I will remember my image–that I was made in the image of the perfect God, and to find confidence in that Truth.  May this confidence, then, lead and empower me to follow and act according to the Word.

3. We are made for community.  The difference community can make is real–so real, that pimps will use a mechanism to prevent the formation of community among his girls.  Each pimp has several girls under his control.  He will pick one as his ‘bottom,’ meaning that she’s his favorite.  He gives her gifts, implants, and lets her drive a nice car.  The effect?  By nature, he instills a sense of jealousy and tension among the girls.  For what?  To prevent the girls from establishing community so that they will never reach a point of empowerment through each other.  Rather, through this easy trick of picking a “bottom,” he is able to maintain his power of manipulation.

God’s whisper: remember that I am made for community and that the enemy will do whatever he can to pull me away from community.  Never lose sight of its importance because community will empower me to fight sin and live strongly for Christ.

Knowing that the enemy will try to break down community, I pray that the Lord may grant me His eyes to see His image and His heart in my community, so that I may humbly enter into a love I know I don’t deserve, but by His grace am granted.

—

At the end of my reflection, God whispered these final words of assurance: I will finish what I have started in your life.  I will reveal what I know you can handle piece-by-piece at the right time.  Just come closer to me to hear my heartbeat and learn what makes my heart drum. 

I praise our Abba, for He is good.

Nearly three years later…

After struggling for about 20 minutes trying to remember my username and password, I finally unlocked my cyber diary.   A little bit (a lot of bit) of jet lag and sleep deprivation plus a weird twinge (maybe a conviction?) and a sparked memory led me back to this blog.  I spent hours looking back at my thoughts from 2009, trying to re-piece all of the memories, convictions, revelations, pains, and joys that led me to write.  It’s amazing how life happens: in the present, everything seems so heavy, so important, as if the world cannot continue until my emotions are dealt with, but looking back, I realize that during the whole journey, God had my back.  Even more so, in my times of deepest struggle and hurt–even confusion and doubt–God literally carried me out.

It must have been His Spirit or an angel that led back to these old posts.  Or better yet, God must have known all along that a day like this was going to come–that one day I would look back and be encouraged.  And He is so good; He knows me so well, and His timing was so perfect.

He chose a time when I fell hard, lost intimacy, and struggled in desperation.  But it was by His grace that drove me to a point where I thirsted for His whispers–to be affirmed by His love and to be saved by His grace.

He whispered: you are beloved.  Remember that my love is absolutely sufficient.  I want you to completely wrap your identity around my love, and I will show you my desires.

So here’s my longing: I want to learn how to fall in love with myself solely based on the fact that I am loved by the only One that matters, my Abba Father.  I want to let go of my worldly desire to seek approval from people, and be completely satisfied in God’s love.  God will set me free.  He will show me wonders, and I will joyfully follow.

Looking back to these posts made me realize that God is always there looking out for me.  Sweeter yet, He wants to be an intimate part of my life.  So when I lose focus, He shakes me a little and wakes me up by His grace–reminding me of His everlasting, unfailing love through His precious whispers.

I’m grateful for suffering, heartbreak, and loss.  Because it’s at such points in my life when God blesses me with the sweetest revelations, and I am reminded once again how wonderful it is to be in His arms and completely fulfilled by His love.

Revolutionized Heart

I am a new person.

In 8th grade, I dedicated my life to Jesus Christ by accepting Him as my Savior. My life did a complete 180. I was two-faced, unsure of my own identity, and the one thing I was sure of was that I was able to pull off two fronts: a rebel on the weekdays and a “Christian” on Sundays.

But it was that moment at a missions trip on a Navajo reservation in Arizona when my life reached its turning point. I found my identity in Christ. It was amazing. And ever since, I’ve been living and growing comfortably as a daughter of Christ.

Yet, after that point, never was I compelled to change. Yes- there would be times when a sermon, testimony or an encounter would make me rethink and readjust my life- but I never saw the need to change my life.

Until now.

This whole conference has been a condensed representation of my journey as a Christian. I listened to eight sermons over four days- and each sermon touched my life in a chronological manner. After I heard a sermon, I would be filled with God’s grace and simple amazement. But then it would be followed with questions- perhaps it was my subconscious trying to doubt, trying to find a loophole, thinking that this was too good to be true. But what’s amazing is that God answered. I would doubt and question- and in the next sermon, he would satisfy my subconscious. Until by the last sermon, Sunday evening at 6 pm, I was left with no more doubt and no more fear.

It just makes sense now. Whenever I identify myself as a Christian, I am willingly taking up the responsibility to represent God. When Moses became angry and called the Israelites ‘rebels,’ he, as a leader and a representative of God, portrayed God’s character wrongly. He showed his followers that God was an angry God- that God thought that they were rebels, when in reality He had loved them. Thus, Moses was unable to see the Promised Land.

I don’t know why it didn’t click before- but it finally did this week. Why would I not live a life to represent God’s image- his love, his grace, his forgiveness? As God has loved me, so shall I love others, in His name- he blesses me to be a blessing.

It’s no longer I want- but now it is I will. I will live to represent Him. What could even compare to sharing the love of Jesus Christ?

What’s different this time…how am I sure that I am new? It is that I no longer fear the world. My worries over what others might think of me, how they might judge me- has become irrelevant. Because the thing is- this isn’t about me. My life isn’t about me- It’s about Christ. I become full and fulfilled when I live for Him, and not for myself. I no longer stress about my future or whether I am capable. Because it is when I am weak, that I am strong. When things are seemingly impossible considering my “lack of,” –or my weakness, it is then when God receives all the glory when He makes impossible things possible in my life.

So I am free by God’s grace. I choose to live a life of the image of Christ. My heart has changed. How it sees people, school, the future, my relationships, my past- it’s become revolutionized for Christ- and I would want it no other way.

Praise God. Our savior, our healer, our Father, our Lord.